so i had a doctor's appointment today at like 5:30 ish and it was to retain a doctor's note saying i could drive, so i could get my driver's permit renewed. she said to me when i got into her office while she was looking at her notes, "looks like you're due for a pap.." i said immediately (without thinking), "okay, let's do that today and get it over with." so first she weighed me.. i was 129 lbs. and then she took my height and i must be getting shorter the older i get because i wasn't even 5 ft.. laugh at that ALL you fuckin want (i can think of who i thought was my "friend" more than likely sharing with his family about how i was so short when he met me- i was wondering why a friend would ever try to make their other friend look bad when talking to their family and friends.. it came to me- because they're NOT your "friend"! i'm not really sure what the fuck i am to him but to tell you the truth- i couldn't give a fuck.. maybe that's my period speaking but i've grown tired of being stepped on and being too damn laid back especially after NEARLY being killed by his careless actions..). well.. to top this day off- i should've took the hint when the doctor asked me interested where i was talking about living (i forget if i told her exactly why i wanted to live there), she asked me, "where were you talking about moving to? it wasn't philadelphia.. boston?" then i said, "yeah.. boston concord area.." then i asked her, "oh yeah.. i wanted you to write that note saying i could drive.." then she looked through her notes and said, "well.. who did you take your driving assessment with and when?" and i said, "i took like 2 or 3 at courage kenny and one here.." then she said, "well.. the occupational therapist said after they assessed you in march that they don't recommend that you drive.. it says something about you not being able to stop on time.." i honestly don't remember having difficulty with stopping. so just gathering up all those conversations when i came home- i concluded that the doctor was trying to insinuate that i should do what i've worked my ass off for my whole life and move to the boston/concord area because THEY HAVE A MORE ACCESSIBLE AND AVAILABLE TRANSIT SYSTEM, SO I DON'T EVEN NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING PLACES WITHOUT A LICENSE. ABSOLUTELY NO THANKS GOES OUT TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO "SUPPORT" ME. i still won't forget my grandma telling me some bullshit that "AMANDA HAS ALL THESE PLANS FOR YOU! SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA HELP YOU GET YOUR LICENSE BACK, ALONG WITH A VEHICLE YOU CAN DRIVE!" my grandma was so fuckin naive. AMANDA NEVER "HELPED" ME WITH DRIVING AT ALL DURING MY LIFE. ALL MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS- THAT MEANS YOU MOM, DIDN'T DO SHIT TO HELP ME WITH MY LICENSE EITHER. i'm demanding amy helps me get to massachusetts immediately or it's her job. i don't have time to fuck around during my life. I'M ALMOST A GOD DAMN SENIOR CITIZEN. I'LL BE ELIGIBLE FOR AARP IN 10 FUCKIN YEARS.
i was thinking of how i handled the news that i won't be able to drive again. i might get more pissed off about it later but everything sucks for me- WHAT'S ONE MORE THING? I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE ANYWAY. now i understand why liz was so content with not being able to drive. i'm actually surprised i didn't go off on the doctor when she told me like i went off on the physical therapist at gillette when she told me over 10 years ago that i wouldn't be able to drive. i think i went crazy on her. i'm not sure why i remember destroying her office.. it's weird because fredrick said to me a while ago when i got pissed off at one of the ics workers, i completely snapped and he said even he was afraid. like i go super saiyan when something pisses me off enough. i think that i settled down some after talking to my therapist and getting tips from her on how to settle my temper down. so that may be why i didn't go off on the doctor today after she told me that i wouldn't be able to drive. she DID say she would ask what i could do to help me change the results. she also mentioned that i'm at the age where they order women to have yearly mammograms. it might be a good idea for me to get my jugs looked at considering my grandma had cancer in BOTH of her's and had to actually have them removed. i didn't think the doctor would be able to do a pap smear on me when i have my period but she still did one and said it didn't matter if i had my period. i had this appointment scheduled for probably at least 2 months- so it's not like i planned to have it while i had a pap smear scheduled either.
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